I don’t know how to write this, if I’m being quite honest. So I guess I’ll just say it: Two weeks ago, Alex and I broke up.
I feel like I can hardly say that we broke up because it’s feels more like we just fell apart. It wasn’t as if one of us out of the blue just left the other one, but more that we can to a mutual understanding that we just were not happy.
The transition back to Boston has been rough for me to say the least. Between being unhappy at work, unsure of school, and the looming understanding that I’ll be graduating soon, I’ve been feeling unbelievably unsettled. This manifested in a bunch of different ways, but one of the main ones was feeling depressed and anxious, and taking some of that out on Alex.
I can’t speak for Alex, but I know that he had been struggling with supporting me and supporting himself during his first year of college.
So we decided to break up. Because restarting and trying and pushing just wasn’t working anymore. We weren’t making each other happy anymore.
I’ve waited a while to talk about it publicly. Partially this was because I just wasn’t emotionally ready to admit it to the world. I wasn’t ready to answer the “why” or explain that I was, in fact, okay. And then that feeling moved into guilt. I didn’t want to admit to my friends, or readers, or the world, that I had failed. Our relationship had failed. And worse than that, I had quit. I had given up.
I have an overall fear of quitting things. I have a fear that others will see me as someone who gives up easily. So having to admit that this time, I really did quit something, makes me feel awful. It’s the same feeling I get when I explain to people that maybe I don’t want to act professionally or that I really want to move back to Phoenix once I graduate. It’s a feeling of letting others down.
Alex and I are still friends. This sounds cliche, but it true. We are still friends despite the break up. And I’m so thankful for that. I’m thankful for him.
I’m currently doing a lot of self reflection. I spend a lot of time alone, thinking and journaling and trying to take care of myself. And I’m learning to start again.