Commitment is a scary thing. I used to go so far as to say that it was the thing that I was the most afraid of. Committing to someone meant that I was, in a way, bound to them. It also meant that I could be hurt. So I spent a lot of my time building up my walls and keeping myself safe out of fear that I could become attached and ultimately wind up heartbroken.
A little over a month ago, I decided to put more trust in the universe than in myself. I thought that if I closed my eyes and opened my hands and took a deep breath that the universe would send me the things that I needed in this time in my life. I think that I was right.
Relationships are not something that I have ever stumbled into carelessly. They have never felt easy or casual for me and the thought of commitment still makes my stomach drop, but it no longer makes me want to run for the hills.
Josh and I had a long conversation a few days ago about how it’s so much easier to not care about anything at all. I’ve spent much of my life acting as if I don’t care about a number of things, when really, I’m terrified. As much as I’ve claimed that I’m afraid of commitment, what I’m really afraid of is caring too much.
In less than a week, I’ll be performing in a showcase in New York City for industry professionals, and while deep down I care very much, the only thing calming my nerves right now is telling myself that I don’t care at all. In my mind, if I expect nothing, then there’s no chance I’ll be disappointed. I often think this way about relationships too: that if I don’t care too much, I won’t ever get hurt. Lucky for me, I’m dating someone who calls me out on my bullshit.
I care. I care about the world and my career and other people and my own happiness. I care about love and joy and finding that within my life. And yet I am still afraid of feeling the pain or disappointment that comes with caring. And so until I get past that, all I can do is open my hands and shut my eyes and continue to hope that the universe will send me exactly what I need.