The thing that has surprised me most about this stage of my life is how quickly my mood can shift at any and all times. When I graduated from college, no one told me I would be this sad. And it’s not all the time, and it’s not for too long, but still. Nobody told me things would be like they are now.
I’ve done things “right,” for lack of a better term. I was decent at school, I showed up, I was on top of things, I had jobs, I went out enough, but not too much. When I graduated I got a good paying job and booked a show and made a budget and had a plan. And now, a few months later, I’m putting in my two weeks at work and throwing whatever plans I might have had out the window and wondering how the fuck anyone just lives.
I don’t mean to sound depressing (or maybe I do? I don’t know?), but I’m really truly making this up as I go.
The other day a guy asked me what I’m looking for and I laughed really hard before texting back because I have absolutely no idea. I have no idea who I am right now and or what I feel about others and I wouldn’t even know where to start in loving someone else. I’m trying my hardest to throw myself into the unknown that seems to be my future without hurting anyone else.
Last night I was so unbelievably sad for absolutely no reason. I felt melancholy and wanted to cry but didn’t even have the energy for that. I posted about it on my finsta (don’t make fun of me okay) and I was shocked when a handful of my friends reached out to me to check in. It’s not that I’m unaware that my feelings are bad, it’s just that I had assumed that everyone I know was feeling like I was. And maybe some of them are, or maybe not, but the point is that they reached out. They talked to me and genuinely wanted to know if I was okay. I am exceptionally lucky.
The point of this post isn’t to pat me on the back or wallow in my own pity. It’s just to say what I’m going through. It’s to say that I feel kind of lost and I think that’s okay. And I feel kind of depressed and I think that’s okay too. I’m stressed and my skin is shit and I gained a little weight and most of the time I’m alone and mostly I love being alone but sometimes I hate it. And I’m still working on myself.
Everything works out how it’s supposed to. That’s all I’ve got.