I used to have this belief that it was incredibly hard for me to fall in love. As if falling in love was somehow more difficult for me than it was for other people. That’s not really true.
I have this relatively new theory: it’s not that I don’t fall in love, it’s that I constantly choose not to feel it.
I try not to feel most things. I don’t like feeling sad or overly happy or disappointed. So for the most part, if I start to feel something I don’t want to, I just stop. I don’t let myself. And this might sound insane, but it’s been a decent coping mechanism for years. (One of my ex’s said this is a psychopathic tendency. He’s probably not wrong, but our relationship clearly didn’t work out.)
Recently, someone called me out on it.
“I don’t believe that you don’t really feel anything.”
So we talked about it. And I decided I would start feeling things. The problem is that when you decide to feel one thing, you have to feel everything. I don’t know how anyone does it.
Feeling things generally sucks. Life is so disappointing sometimes and people leave your life and you feel lost a lot. But through all of that, the most amazing things also happen.
By opening myself up to feeling things, I’ve realized that I can fall in love with things or people or moments for a second. And it’s incredible.
I fell in love with the way the moon looked after it rained while I waited for my plane to take off. I fell in love with Evanston, IL when I walked the street my parents used to live on. I fell in love with a new song when I was feeling too much.
Someone told me that I am so much my own person and I fell in love with her for a second. Someone else gave me shit for not using enough lemon juice in a recipe and I fell in love with him for a second. And someone else hugged me for a solid 30 seconds before we headed outside to join our friends and I fell in love with him for a second too.
I’m not sure what any of this means or where I’m going with it, but I think that this is a good thing. I think that if I have to feel everything, I’m damn lucky to be feeling these little hints of love. It never lasts, and I don’t think it would be full-blown love if it did. But I do think that I never have acknowledged my own feelings enough, so if I do nothing else this year, at least I will start to do that.