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Love Yourself First

October 15, 2017

My senior year of high school after a show, I heard a man say “if you can’t love yourself, then how the fuck are you gonna love anyone else?” And even now that sticks with me.

This past week has felt like one of the longest of my life. I felt incredibly sad for parts of it, and for other parts felt nothing at all. I didn’t like being around anyone. To top it all off, I really was feeling like I didn’t like, let alone love, myself.

I’m someone who has always been pretty organized and focused. I’ve always been a planner. But I’ve felt so stuck for the past few weeks that I haven’t been writing down anything. I can’t manage to sit down to memorize monologues, put together projects, or (clearly) write blog posts. I’ve just been feeling overall like I don’t know how to open up and share.

I’m unhappy at work, at school, and (sometimes) even in my relationship.

On top of all of this, I’ve been less-than-pleased with my own body. I’ve been going back to barre regularly, which means my muscles are super tight and the dramatic shift in exercise caused me to bloat. I was sick for all of last week, so my skin and eating schedule are both a mess.

The goal of this post isn’t for me to complain about my life, it’s to talk about my personal struggle with my own emotional, mental and physical health.

I don’t quite know where I fall when it comes to a lot of things, and mental health is one of them. Some days I’m great, and then some days I’m really just not. Same thing with both my emotional and physical health. The one thing I do know for sure though, is that I can’t keep putting myself second in my life. I need to take the time and space to actually make myself my number one priority.

I’m in the process of re-learning how to love. And it’s a long one for sure, but I truly believe it’s worth it. I’m in the process of talking to my naturopath about supplements and diet, so that I feel like I can love my body. I’m writing almost daily in self-care journals, so that I can remember that emotionally stability requires patience. And I’ve been considering the possibility that my life might, and probably will, end up nothing like I have planned. And I’m slowly starting to be okay with that too.

So here’s to self care, health, and constantly learning to love myself more.

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