Last night one of my roommates, Mackenzie, asked the dinner table, “what happens if you’re married and committed to someone and then you just meet the love of your life one day? What do you do?” And that got me thinking: What would I do?
In all honesty, I don’t know. I’m a big fan of making pros and cons lists and weighing my options, so I’d definitely do that. A lot of it would depend on what stage of my life I’m in. Thankfully, I’m not in that position right now, but that led me to realize that this is part of why I’m so afraid of commitment.
I don’t like to be wrong about anything. Whether it be the time of day or the answer to a math problem or the right pair of shoes to wear with an outfit, I hate being wrong. So when it comes to dating, I refuse to be wrong. I’ve avoided most (every) opportunity for a boyfriend for various reasons. One of them being because I don’t think that they’re the person I’m going to end up with. Is this ridiculous? Yes, probably. Is it logical? Absolutely. In my mind, there’s no point in dating someone that you don’t see a future with.
While I fully believe in that statement, I also believe in fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. So sometimes, this leads me to wonder if I’m doing the right thing by avoiding commitments or if I’m intervening with my own fate. It makes me wonder if I’ve somehow already met ‘the one.’ It makes me wonder if the man who walked beside me silently today on my way home could have been my soulmate, if only I had said hello. Or perhaps the man in starbucks who smiled at me when I walked inside. Or perhaps it was the construction worker outside my building who wishes me well every single morning. Or maybe it’s the guy I’ve known for years who would know me simply by the sound of my laugh and the strands of my hair in his bed. I have absolutely no idea.
To go back to Mackenzie’s original question, my answer is still I don’t know. I don’t know what I would do in that instance, but hopefully I never reach that point. Let my aversion to commitment bring me closer to meeting the person I spend the rest of my life with.