I want to be the kind of girl who will hop on a plane at the drop of a hat. The kind of girl who will close her eyes and spin a globe and point at a destination and go. I want to be the kind of girl who spends her nights in the rooms of boutique hotels in glamorous cities. The kind who buys entire outfits off the mannequins in the windows of Lord and Taylor. I want to be the kind of girl who tosses her head back when she laughs at jokes. I want to be the kind of girl who gets invited to parties and glides into the room, drink in hand, heels on her feet, making an appearance. I want to be the kind of girl who makes everyone feel at home, as if my mere presence alone is enough to comfort any heartbroken soul. I want to be the girl who everyone adores. I want to be the girl with the soft smile and cutting eyes. I want be the girl without a care in the world. Sometimes.
Other times, I don’t. Other times, I remember that I’m the girl who plans everything from her trips home to her outfit the next day. I’m the girl who is everything but spontaneous. I’m the kind of girl who rents an apartment in a very busy city and at night lies awake, staring at the moon through the blinds on her window. I’m the kind of girl who picks and chooses the pieces of her outfits carefully, pulling together thrifted shirts and borrowed jeans and expensive heels and cheap makeup. I’m the girl who will stare at you when your joke isn’t really that funny and actually is pretty offensive if you think about it. I will stare at you because I don’t believe in polite laughter. I’m the kind of girl who gets invited to the party, but probably won’t show up because I’m also the kind of girl who much prefers a quiet night at home with a good book and a glass of wine to a boisterous, drunken, exciting night of debauchery. I’m the girl who commands a room. I’m the girl who demands attention, but not in the warm way. I’m not the kind of girl who will make your heartbreak disappear, because I’m probably the girl who broke your heart to begin with. I’m not adored by the masses. I’m the girl with a slyly seductive smile and a biting tongue and questioning eyes. I’m the girl who cares about what happens next. I’m not always sure of who I want to be, but at the very least, I’m certain of who I am. And I think I like her very very much.