Some days I wake up anxious. Some days I go to barre class and fall out of almost every pose and sort of give up. Some days I get wonderful feedback and fall apart because I’m overwhelmed with kindness, or I go to the doctor and they tell me things will get better, soon. Some days I cry on the phone to both my mom and my boyfriend while walking in public. Some days I yell and scream and cannot get myself back together. Some days I get myself lost in a part of the city I’ve never been to, or worse, a part of the city I’ve been to many times. Some days I feel everything and some days I feel nothing and some days I wish I just didn’t feel at all. Some days I feel like I will never be good enough or pretty enough or smart enough or enough enough.
But on those days, there are always moments. Moments when I acknowledge my anxiety or remember that this is the 4th day in a row that I’ve gone to this workout class on top of doing shows. Moments when I’m told how much I’ve grown and how far I’ve come. Moments when my mom tells me it will be okay and that I will be okay and that this is so unnoticeable, but that it still matters and that’s okay too. Moments when my boyfriend listens to me scream and cry and doesn’t tell me to calm down, but instead tells me that I am the love of his life. Moments when I look up instead of down and see all of the beautiful houses and apartments buildings surrounding me in a new part of town and let myself imagine someday living in them with my boyfriend. Moments when a little boy stops me on the sidewalk to say hi and tell me about his legos and I see his smile and my heart melts. Moments when I buy a 12 oz. pack of blackberries because they were on sale and remind me of my mama and I eat them as I walk back to school where I get to talk to people about why I love my program and the sun shines down onto my face and I cry and laugh all at the same time because of how truly lucky lucky lucky I am.
And in those moments, it doesn’t matter that I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams or that I’m not as on top of my work as I’d like to be or that I’m sometimes an anxious person. It doesn’t matter that I’m not as perfect or as complete or as happy as I’d always like to be, because I am perfect and complete and happy enough. And there will be days like this, but at the end of these days, all I am is happy to be alive.