Health&Wellness Mental Health

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

April 4, 2018

This week has been rough, and it’s only Wednesday. Over the past year, I’ve worked extremely hard to manage my anxiety and self-hate. I take my vitamins and eat well and write in my guided journals and repeat little mantras of love to myself during the day. Usually, I feel fine. I feel stable, happy, and balanced. And then there are days like today.

I was anxious from the moment I woke up on Monday until about three hours ago. I found out on Monday that my birth control hormone levels need to be higher, which explains why I’ve been feeling so out of place in my own skin recently. (I love the ease being on hormonal birth control, and right now, it’s what my body needs, but I do hope that within the next 5 years or so I’ll be able to cut hormones out completely.)

photo by Matt Gutherie

Between my hormone levels, an impromptu dentist appointment, a last minute audition, and finishing my senior thesis, I felt completely overwhelmed this week. This morning was too much for me and I had an anxiety attack for the first time in almost a year. I sobbed. My rationality was gone. For almost the entire day I couldn’t eat, stop crying, or relax.

I was so upset and disappointed with myself. I had been doing so well! I had made so much progress. But here I am, writing about this topic yet again.

I know that self-love and care and change comes in waves. I will have good days and bad days and I will survive it all.

The mantra card I drew yesterday

Here are some great things I learned/did this week, despite my anxiousness:

  • I walked 1/2 a mile in the rain without an umbrella. Usually I hate the rain, but it felt like a cold shower. It woke me up and cleared my head and reminded me that I am alive.
  • I called my mom (more than once). I feel so lucky to have my parents as my best friends who always will take the time to listen and help me out, regardless of my age.
  • Sophie, one of my roommates, recognized today that something was off with me and pulled me aside to ask me about it. She hugged me while I cried and justified my emotions. She made me feel strong and heard.
  • Josh held me in bed while I cried on him for 30 minutes today. He then repeated why he loved me, showed me funny videos, and held me tight until I felt better. I will always be grateful for this kind of friendship and love.

Tomorrow will be better. I am certain.

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