Am I going through an identity crisis? I think I asked myself this question at least a dozen times this week. And I still do not really know the answer.
My week has been more like a mad dash to the finish line rather than a graceful walk through a garden, but I’m trying to learn to accept that. I started off my Monday morning late, rushing out the door to work. You can probably guess how the week progressed from there. Let’s just say that I thought yesterday was Friday…
Aside from my timing issues, I’ve suddenly had a crazy impulse to change everything in my life. From where I live, to what I may want to do, to even what I am currently involved in. None of it felt right.
I’ve never particularly liked school, but I was suddenly researching graduate programs in nutrition (which I am not even a little bit qualified for!). I swore off acting (again) and announced to my family that life in the theatre wasn’t for me. I told my boyfriend he wasn’t being supportive enough of my plans to run away from my life. And I even started filling out an application to own and restore a castle in Italy. In other words, I was all over the map.
I’ve always had the urge to plan out how my life goes, but recently, I’m drawing a blank. I have no idea. And now especially with my graduation from BU a year away, it seems that suddenly now everyone wants to know what my plan is as well.
Just breathe. I put on the brakes. I took a step back. I closed the graduate school tabs, found out I got a callback, told Alex I loved him, and deleted the Italian application. I took a deep breath and said “fuck it.” I laughed.
My point is, everything is fine, or it will be. Life happens and keeps happening and I’m learning more and more to just roll with it. Who cares if I know exactly what my next step will be at all times? I sure as hell don’t.